Breathing My Way Back to What is Real

My first thought when I was asked to give a talk on mindfulness of breath, was – oh no, not that topic again! (We call that resistance...) I always start my meditation practice with focusing on my breath. However, I never stay very long with it. Practicing loving kindness and investigating my thinking-feeling-loops appears so much more attractive to me. Compared to that, breathing seems boring and a waste of time. Of course, it is not.

What is the problem with breathing for me? It is not the breathing-in-part, I am super good at breathing in, I can even hold my breath really long (as you can see, I am also a perfectionist and a striver…). It is the breathing-out that I am struggling with. The letting go.

So, in preparation for this talk, I sit down, willing to concentrate on my breathing in and my breathing out for the entire session of 40 minutes. Guess what happened😊.

If we start concentrating on an anchor, and breath is practical, because ideally it is always there, we soon get distracted. That is the way our brain works. When we come into stillness, our survival brain kicks in, scanning our inside and the outside to identify potential dangers to keep us safe. We all do that; it is our evolutionary heritage.

Hence, while concentrating on my in-breath and my out-breath, immediately I start drifting into stories of fame and shame, how I call them. Giving the best talk ever, versus doing it very badly (did you notice the judgement? That is also common humanity). As soon as I realize it, I go back to mindfulness of my breath. Of course, I do it gently, telling myself, this is normal, it happens to all of us. Congratulating myself for realizing my drifting away mentally, and choosing to come back to the present moment.

Back to breathing in, and breathing out. Feeling the air like a pillar in my inside, connecting my throat and my belly, by the up and the down, the inner and the outer. All air, inside and outside.

And soon, here we go again: Fame again, and back to my breath. And then shame again, and back to my breath. And on it goes…

And after a while, at some point I start building it into my breathing: Fame again – I build it into my breathing in, and shame again, I build it into my breathing out. One time winning, breathing in, one time losing, breathing out. Feeling worthy, breathing in, feeling worthless, breathing out.

And as I am breathing in the fame and out the shame, all of a sudden, a question arises in me: Which of the two is true? And from the deepest and wisest part of myself, the answer pops up immediately: No difference! Only the same urge to belong.

I am breathing my way back to what is real. Nothing to be done, nothing to get accomplished. Nothing to strive for. Nothing to regret. Just breathing my way back to what is real. This very moment. And this moment. And this.

Breathing my way upright, straight back, and soft front, solid and flexible at the same time. Being full and being empty. Taking in and letting go. Winning it and losing it. Like the endless tide of fame and shame.

No difference. Just life itself. This moment and eternity. No difference.

I am breathing my way back to what is real. Breathing my way to impermanence.

And as I am contemplating this way on my breath, another question arises: What if?

What if I can learn from my breath that everything is connected? Like we breathe in the oxygen of the trees and breathe out carbon dioxide and the trees vice versa… like an endless cycle.

What if we can learn from our breath that balance in life needs both the taking in and the letting go? The highs and the lows? That we must lose our balance to find it again?

What if?

So, this is my invitation: Try it out. And be gentle with yourself, because with mindfulness of the breath your own stories of glory and stories of suffering can show. Go slowly. If it’s a struggle it may not be mindful, and neither self-compassionate.

Lead on & namasté
Nadja